Relationship PIES - Emotional

This is the fourth in a multi-part series of articles.

Emotions are one of those things in life that amaze me. This is because our emotions are given to us. Like our physical bodies, we're graced or cursed with certain traits and conditions. Unlike our physical bodies, our emotions directly relate to how we conduct ourselves. One person may not be able to control their anger. Another might find themself constantly developing amorous feelings to others. Yet another may not have much in the way of emotions. These are instincts that are given to (or withheld from) those people. They don't choose those feelings. The feelings come to them of their own accord To return to the analogy of the physical, emotions are as automatic as feeling pain or pleasure. Our bodies tell us that we are in pain or feeling pleasure. Our emotions tell us when we're happy or sad. Beyond that, it's up to us to decide what to do. When I was a child, I might call for my mother when I hurt myself. Or I might lash out at someone who made me mad. Do I continue to do that when I'm a grown man? Or have I learned control of my emotions?

I'm approaching emotional relating in this way because it's important to realize that emotions are automatic. What we do with them is the important part. When I'm angry at someone, I have a choice of actions that I can take. When I'm feeling affection towards someone, I similarly have a range of actions available to me. If I'm trying to develop a relationship, and emotions come into play, I have to use my emotions as a motivation, but not as my compass for all action.

An exclusively emotional relationship is one where the interactions of the two people are predicated in their emotional swings. One day happy, another day neutral, a third day angry. Whatever they feel in the moment controls their behavior. It's an appealing image to many people who don't want to say no to those inner motivations that keep getting thrown at them. Unfortunately, it only works when two people have the same emotional cycle. That's inordinately rare.

At the other end of the spectrum is the emotionless relationship. One in which the two people involved simply never relax enough to let the other know that they are having an emotional moment. Their control of their emotions around that person is so complete that the relationship is devoid of emotion. Laughter is manufactured and uneasy. Anger is clamped down on to produce sullenness. And so on.

The healthy role of emotions in a relationship is similar to that of the physical; they serve to reinforce the deepening of a relationship. But because they come to us unbidden, they should never be used as a the cornerstone of a relationship. They are not who we are. An animal has emotions. A dog knows loyalty. A cat knows affection. Men and women have been given much more, and that is why we have PIES relationships instead of simple physical and emotional relationships. We are least defined by our physical and emotional being. Who we are is best defined by our spirit.

Next time, relating spiritually.

Relationship PIES - Intellectual

This is the third in a multi-part series of articles.

If we were to sit down and discuss relationships, how we think they work, and what we'd like to get from them, we'd be relating intellectually. Intellectual relating involves a back and forth interaction about ideas, concepts and notions. Talking. Discussion.

Given that you are reading a blog, it's likely that you are more intellectually-inclined than most people. So you probably also naturally include a healthy dose of intellectual relating in your relationships. You discuss things with others. Those who don't make the intellectual a part of their relationship will likely have a rather dramatic or even volatile relationship. That's because the intellectual gives a relationship a kind of solidity.

Thinking takes time, and it requires us to step away from a problem to see it in its proper light. This is true of any problem at any time. It might be a problem with our job, or our car, or even our relationship. If the intellectual side of a relationship is kept alive and well, then the two people in the relationship are able to comunicate about the things that they deem important. Including the relationship itself.

A relationship that completely lacks the intellectual component is one that is driven by spiritual, emotional or physical forces. The two people won't be communicating well because they aren't taking the time to understand what's going on. What we don't understand we can hardly discuss with someone. As a result, one of the best signs of successful incorporation of the intellectual in a relationship is frank and honest discussion.

Discussing the weather is a kind of intellectual relationship. It permits two people to develop a bond to each other. It is limited, of course. The depth of a relationship comes from the intimacy of the relationship, and in the context of the intellectual, the intimacy of the topics being discussed determines the depth of the relationship. Intimate topics are those such as our hopes and dreams - and our most intimate fears.

That only produces an intellectual relationship, of course. Balance is the key to a healthy relationship. An intellectual relationship is a fine thing, just as a physical relationship is, but taking any relationship to any level of intimacy without proper balance is generally going to lead to problems. We naturally want to fill out our relationships with a proper balance, and what starts as an intellectual relationship may spill over to an emotional or even physical one.

When I say "spill over", I don't mean that a relationship naturally extends itself, but that the people involved believe that if they are intimate in one aspect of their lives, then intimacy in all four aspects of the relationship must be there - even when it isn't. The man who falls in love with the nurse who physically cares for him. The woman who falls in love with her pyschiatrist who knows every intimate detail of her life. These are examples of developing an intimacy in one aspect of relationships without the corresponding intimacy in the others. In both of those cases, the patients are extending the relationship to other aspects, and the relationship simply isn't there. We are humans and we desire full and complete relationships. Focusing too closely on a single aspect of relating is not tenable, whether that single aspect is spiritual, emotional, physical or intellectual.

So instead of delving ever more deeply into the intellectual with someone, try opening yourself up emotionally, spending some time physically, and explore your shared spirituality.

When you are considering your relationship with someone, consider the full gamut of the intellectual. Discuss things with your friends and neighbors. Delve deeply in your discussions with those that you love. Learn something new every day so that you can share it with those around you. These are the acts that permit us to practice the fine art of relating intellectually, and that makes our relationships with everyone in our lives both more fulfilling and more resilient to difficulties.

Next time, relating emotionally.

Relationship PIES - Physical

This is the second in a multi-part series of articles.

When we talk about physical relationships, we're often talking about sex. The phrase "physical relationship" usually implies just that. But what about relating physically? PIES is an attempt at getting us all to think about the breadth and depth of relationships. Relating physically includes all aspects of our existence as physical beings, and we're certainly physical beings.

When we relate physically, we include handshakes, kissing, high-fives, hugs, sports competition, tickling, hiking, dancing, and even sex. Each interaction causes us to relate to someone in a particular way. Shake someone's hand and you've knocked down a certain barrier with them. Compete with them or against them in sports and you have a different kind of relationship. Every type of physical interaction that we have with someone influences the sort of relationship that we have with them.

Consider too the fact that there are ways of relating to people that exclude physical interactions. The telephone, the internet, the written word; these are means of relating that exclude the physical. They can be dangerous to a relationship when they are its cornerstone because they artifically alter the balance of a full and complete relationship that properly explores and affirms itself in all four aspects of PIES.

Just as physicality is a critical component of a healthy relationship, so to is the balance of the other aspects of PIES. A relationship that is exclusively physical is an unhealthy relationship. The intellectual, emotional and spiritual aspects of a relationship must be balanced with the physical. This is why a relationship that explores sexuality - the most intimate form of relating to someone physically - is fundamentally unhealthy if it does not also have the same depth of intimacy in intellect, emotion and spirit. Balance is the key.

An inherent danger that is unique to the physical and the emotional is that they are both somewhat "under the radar". We are told by our bodies that we are physically attracted to another person and are given that "urge to merge", to make children and propagate the species. It is only by social pressures or personal control that we walk through a balanced relationship that leads to not only the creation of new life, but the proper development of that new life by two committed parents.

When you are considering your relationship with someone, consider the full gamut of physicality. Hug your relatives. Shake hands with acquaintances. Kiss your children. Love your spouse. They are acts that viscerally reaffirm or extend the relationships that we have in our lives. They're a necessary part of a healthy relationship. Just remember to balance them in a full PIES relationship.

Next time, relating intellectually.