Relationship PIES - Emotional

This is the fourth in a multi-part series of articles.

Emotions are one of those things in life that amaze me. This is because our emotions are given to us. Like our physical bodies, we're graced or cursed with certain traits and conditions. Unlike our physical bodies, our emotions directly relate to how we conduct ourselves. One person may not be able to control their anger. Another might find themself constantly developing amorous feelings to others. Yet another may not have much in the way of emotions. These are instincts that are given to (or withheld from) those people. They don't choose those feelings. The feelings come to them of their own accord To return to the analogy of the physical, emotions are as automatic as feeling pain or pleasure. Our bodies tell us that we are in pain or feeling pleasure. Our emotions tell us when we're happy or sad. Beyond that, it's up to us to decide what to do. When I was a child, I might call for my mother when I hurt myself. Or I might lash out at someone who made me mad. Do I continue to do that when I'm a grown man? Or have I learned control of my emotions?

I'm approaching emotional relating in this way because it's important to realize that emotions are automatic. What we do with them is the important part. When I'm angry at someone, I have a choice of actions that I can take. When I'm feeling affection towards someone, I similarly have a range of actions available to me. If I'm trying to develop a relationship, and emotions come into play, I have to use my emotions as a motivation, but not as my compass for all action.

An exclusively emotional relationship is one where the interactions of the two people are predicated in their emotional swings. One day happy, another day neutral, a third day angry. Whatever they feel in the moment controls their behavior. It's an appealing image to many people who don't want to say no to those inner motivations that keep getting thrown at them. Unfortunately, it only works when two people have the same emotional cycle. That's inordinately rare.

At the other end of the spectrum is the emotionless relationship. One in which the two people involved simply never relax enough to let the other know that they are having an emotional moment. Their control of their emotions around that person is so complete that the relationship is devoid of emotion. Laughter is manufactured and uneasy. Anger is clamped down on to produce sullenness. And so on.

The healthy role of emotions in a relationship is similar to that of the physical; they serve to reinforce the deepening of a relationship. But because they come to us unbidden, they should never be used as a the cornerstone of a relationship. They are not who we are. An animal has emotions. A dog knows loyalty. A cat knows affection. Men and women have been given much more, and that is why we have PIES relationships instead of simple physical and emotional relationships. We are least defined by our physical and emotional being. Who we are is best defined by our spirit.

Next time, relating spiritually.