Relationship PIES - Intellectual

This is the third in a multi-part series of articles.

If we were to sit down and discuss relationships, how we think they work, and what we'd like to get from them, we'd be relating intellectually. Intellectual relating involves a back and forth interaction about ideas, concepts and notions. Talking. Discussion.

Given that you are reading a blog, it's likely that you are more intellectually-inclined than most people. So you probably also naturally include a healthy dose of intellectual relating in your relationships. You discuss things with others. Those who don't make the intellectual a part of their relationship will likely have a rather dramatic or even volatile relationship. That's because the intellectual gives a relationship a kind of solidity.

Thinking takes time, and it requires us to step away from a problem to see it in its proper light. This is true of any problem at any time. It might be a problem with our job, or our car, or even our relationship. If the intellectual side of a relationship is kept alive and well, then the two people in the relationship are able to comunicate about the things that they deem important. Including the relationship itself.

A relationship that completely lacks the intellectual component is one that is driven by spiritual, emotional or physical forces. The two people won't be communicating well because they aren't taking the time to understand what's going on. What we don't understand we can hardly discuss with someone. As a result, one of the best signs of successful incorporation of the intellectual in a relationship is frank and honest discussion.

Discussing the weather is a kind of intellectual relationship. It permits two people to develop a bond to each other. It is limited, of course. The depth of a relationship comes from the intimacy of the relationship, and in the context of the intellectual, the intimacy of the topics being discussed determines the depth of the relationship. Intimate topics are those such as our hopes and dreams - and our most intimate fears.

That only produces an intellectual relationship, of course. Balance is the key to a healthy relationship. An intellectual relationship is a fine thing, just as a physical relationship is, but taking any relationship to any level of intimacy without proper balance is generally going to lead to problems. We naturally want to fill out our relationships with a proper balance, and what starts as an intellectual relationship may spill over to an emotional or even physical one.

When I say "spill over", I don't mean that a relationship naturally extends itself, but that the people involved believe that if they are intimate in one aspect of their lives, then intimacy in all four aspects of the relationship must be there - even when it isn't. The man who falls in love with the nurse who physically cares for him. The woman who falls in love with her pyschiatrist who knows every intimate detail of her life. These are examples of developing an intimacy in one aspect of relationships without the corresponding intimacy in the others. In both of those cases, the patients are extending the relationship to other aspects, and the relationship simply isn't there. We are humans and we desire full and complete relationships. Focusing too closely on a single aspect of relating is not tenable, whether that single aspect is spiritual, emotional, physical or intellectual.

So instead of delving ever more deeply into the intellectual with someone, try opening yourself up emotionally, spending some time physically, and explore your shared spirituality.

When you are considering your relationship with someone, consider the full gamut of the intellectual. Discuss things with your friends and neighbors. Delve deeply in your discussions with those that you love. Learn something new every day so that you can share it with those around you. These are the acts that permit us to practice the fine art of relating intellectually, and that makes our relationships with everyone in our lives both more fulfilling and more resilient to difficulties.

Next time, relating emotionally.