A classic way to find out how you get along with someone is to take a trip together. In fact, trying to accomplish any task with another person is a great way to learn about how the two of you interact. Experiencing something at the same time as another person is dramatically less valuable when trying to understand your relationship. That's because your ability to learn about them is predicated on observing them as they interact with other people or other things, when you're really trying to figure out if they interact well with YOU.
I'm an avid country dancer. I've been two-stepping at least once a week for the past decade. I've danced with hundreds of different women, and each one dances differently. Being the observant sort that I am, I've found that I can learn volumes about a woman by dancing with her. One dance, and I feel like I've been on a date with her. One that lasts for the duration of one song. It's a bit like a four minute date.
I approach her and ask her for a dance. I walk her to the dance floor. I take her in my arms and start us off on the dance. I may dance quickly or slowly, depending on the beat of the misic, but I'm leading us around the dance floor. I'm making discussion and trying to entertain my dance partner as we move. I protect my dance partner from possible collisions or the occasional hazard that might appear on the dance floor. When the song ends, I walk my partner back to where I found her and thank her for the dance.
That's the four minute date. It has the exact same pattern as a classic date. The man picks the woman up at her home. He travels with her to the place that they're going to spend their time together. He leads her through the entertainment, and ensures that she is able to enjoy it safely. When the date is finished, he drives her back to her home and thanks her for joining him.
I learn plenty about a woman during the course of that one dance. Does she ever look at me? Is she moving the same way that I do? I'm known for being a smooth dancer, and that lets me sense every little movement in my partner. I've danced with very few women who move smoothly who don't have a similarly mellow disposition. In the same way, I've met few women who move abruptly who don't have a similarly abrupt disposition. The way that a woman moves when she dances is an indication of how she likes to interact in a relationship.
Think I'm overdoing it a bit here? I've tested this out a few times with women that I dance with regularly. I've described to them how they are in a relationship, and I've been on target each time. If you look, listen and feel, you'll be able to learn volumes about your dance partner.
Consider some other types of dancing. Freestyle, for example. At best, it's two people dancing near each other. As a result, they're not working together in any significant way. It's two people who are unsure how to relate to each other. If they ARE in contact with each other, it's in an immodest way, to the point of scandal. You can well imagine what kind of a date that corresponds to.
I've probably learned most from two-stepping because it very strongly requires the couple to work together. If we don't, then we bump into each other, fail to complete turns, twist in uncomfortable ways, etc. The first time I ever took a dance lesson, the instructor said to the men, "Your partner is a paint brush, the dance floor is a canvas, now paint a beautiful picture." It is yet another distillation of the idea that the two people are working towards more than just grabbing someone of the opposite sex, or of being seen with someone of the opposite sex. The two of you are working to paint that beautiful picture.
That's the goal of your dance. That's what you're working together to do. That's how you find out so much about your dance partner. Are you painting a beautiful picture or some kind of pop art that is little more than splashes of color? Or is it even just some simple straight lines that aren't much to look at? Is the painting that you're after the same one that your dance partner is after? Is your dance partner even on the same canvas that you are?
If you have the opportunity, go dancing with your boyfriend or your girlfriend. I know that most men dread dancing. Most men also dread opening up in relationships as well. Give it a shot. Something simple. No, not slow dancing. If you like action, try taking a swing dancing lesson. It's a very simple dance that anyone can learn. If you're more formally minded, try waltz. It's a beautiful dance, also quite simple to learn.
Regardless of the dance you choose, pay attention to how the two of you interact during the dance. Does she try to lead? Is that what you want? Does he lead hesitatingly? Is that what you want? Is he willing to make mistakes? Is she willing to ignore his mistakes? Does a normally aggressive women become rather submissive when you show that you can dance well? All of these things correspond to relationships because dancing is relating. Ultimately, the longest dance is marriage - the lifelong dance. I hope that the two of you stay in step the whole way through.
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dating. Show all posts
Monday, November 13, 2006
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
Relationship PIES - Dating
This is the sixth in a multi-part series of articles.
If you want to develop a relationship with someone, you've gotta pursue a balance of the four aspects of a PIES relationship. Start shallow and work to depth, intensifying in each of the physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual.
How does a PIES date go? In truth, dating the way that you probably think about it is a bad idea from the very start. Extensive one-on-one time with a man or a woman that you are interested in is just not a good idea. That tends to quickly produce a little bubble world where the two people relate to each other in ways that they are most comfortable with, ignoring the need to relate in areas that they are less comfortable with.
We're shooting for a balance in the four areas, and a good way to do that is to involve other people in the relationship. Ideally, we want to avoid focusing our attention on a single person. Instead, we want to have a dozen relationships going all at one time, each at a level that works with that person. This isn't anything new, of course. You have a relationship with your family, with your coworkers, with each of your friends, and so on. Unfortunately, we're constantly faced with relationship that aren't going to build any depth, which is why we grasp at the least bit of depth - even when that depth is guaranteed to be in only one aspect. One aspect is better than none, right?
Unfortunately, not. So many people develop strong single-aspect relationships. The classic is the strongly physical relationship, where the two people do many things together, but they never share anything about themselves with each other, they never discuss what's going on in the world, and they just don't get into the nitty-gritties of what really motivates them, their dreams and hopes, etc. We turn our backs on the aspects that we don't want to explore, building a kind of fantasy relationship that will crumble as soon as it is put to the test.
The test comes about when other people are added to the mix, and when they throw curves at the relationship that the two people were diligently avoiding because of the "work" involved. They have no interest in possibly sabotaging their physical relationship because it's the best that they have going. It's better than nothing. Yet life does throw curves at relationships, and the relationship that survives the jostling and bumping is the strong one. It's the balanced one. It's the PIES one.
So which relationship is going to survive? Well, that takes us back to spirituality, which is really the cornerstone of any relationship. If two people are physically attracted to each other, emotionally compatible and intellectually challenged by each other, a disconnect on spirituality is just going to be a drain on anything else that they have. Remember that spirituality is about our basic motivations in life. What we believe at a fundamental level. If I believe that a loving family is important to my relationship with my girlfriend and she believes that family has no real role in our relationship, we're going to lock horns in a fundamental way.
To avoid locking horns over the big stuff, we need to be always looking for what's best for a relationship. For example, can a relationship operate without a loving family being involved? Sure. But it's going to be handicapped. And that brings us back to involving other people in a relationship. Those other people can be a reality check for the relationship. That's true only if those other people have a healthy understanding of relationships. Because we're the reality check for so many other people's relationships, we need to be studying relationships and understanding them.
Don't get me wrong about the non-spiritual aspects of relating. They're still critical, because those aspects are part of us. But without the spiritual, any relationship will lack fundamental resilience.
In summary, if you're trying to develop a relationship with someone, stop being insular and focus on getting your relationship out in the open where others can see it. Make your relationship something to be proud of, not something to sneak by others. As you work on your relationship, ensure that you develop it in a balanced way, avoiding the temptation of delving deeply into one area while letting other areas atrophy. Depth is very appealing to us, but depth without breadth produces a relationship that will eventually fall over.
Next time, marriage.
If you want to develop a relationship with someone, you've gotta pursue a balance of the four aspects of a PIES relationship. Start shallow and work to depth, intensifying in each of the physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual.
How does a PIES date go? In truth, dating the way that you probably think about it is a bad idea from the very start. Extensive one-on-one time with a man or a woman that you are interested in is just not a good idea. That tends to quickly produce a little bubble world where the two people relate to each other in ways that they are most comfortable with, ignoring the need to relate in areas that they are less comfortable with.
We're shooting for a balance in the four areas, and a good way to do that is to involve other people in the relationship. Ideally, we want to avoid focusing our attention on a single person. Instead, we want to have a dozen relationships going all at one time, each at a level that works with that person. This isn't anything new, of course. You have a relationship with your family, with your coworkers, with each of your friends, and so on. Unfortunately, we're constantly faced with relationship that aren't going to build any depth, which is why we grasp at the least bit of depth - even when that depth is guaranteed to be in only one aspect. One aspect is better than none, right?
Unfortunately, not. So many people develop strong single-aspect relationships. The classic is the strongly physical relationship, where the two people do many things together, but they never share anything about themselves with each other, they never discuss what's going on in the world, and they just don't get into the nitty-gritties of what really motivates them, their dreams and hopes, etc. We turn our backs on the aspects that we don't want to explore, building a kind of fantasy relationship that will crumble as soon as it is put to the test.
The test comes about when other people are added to the mix, and when they throw curves at the relationship that the two people were diligently avoiding because of the "work" involved. They have no interest in possibly sabotaging their physical relationship because it's the best that they have going. It's better than nothing. Yet life does throw curves at relationships, and the relationship that survives the jostling and bumping is the strong one. It's the balanced one. It's the PIES one.
So which relationship is going to survive? Well, that takes us back to spirituality, which is really the cornerstone of any relationship. If two people are physically attracted to each other, emotionally compatible and intellectually challenged by each other, a disconnect on spirituality is just going to be a drain on anything else that they have. Remember that spirituality is about our basic motivations in life. What we believe at a fundamental level. If I believe that a loving family is important to my relationship with my girlfriend and she believes that family has no real role in our relationship, we're going to lock horns in a fundamental way.
To avoid locking horns over the big stuff, we need to be always looking for what's best for a relationship. For example, can a relationship operate without a loving family being involved? Sure. But it's going to be handicapped. And that brings us back to involving other people in a relationship. Those other people can be a reality check for the relationship. That's true only if those other people have a healthy understanding of relationships. Because we're the reality check for so many other people's relationships, we need to be studying relationships and understanding them.
Don't get me wrong about the non-spiritual aspects of relating. They're still critical, because those aspects are part of us. But without the spiritual, any relationship will lack fundamental resilience.
In summary, if you're trying to develop a relationship with someone, stop being insular and focus on getting your relationship out in the open where others can see it. Make your relationship something to be proud of, not something to sneak by others. As you work on your relationship, ensure that you develop it in a balanced way, avoiding the temptation of delving deeply into one area while letting other areas atrophy. Depth is very appealing to us, but depth without breadth produces a relationship that will eventually fall over.
Next time, marriage.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
Studying Love
You love someone. They're very special to you. It might be your boyfriend or girlfriend, but it can just as easily be your brother, your mother or your child. Your love of them is so strong that anything that happens to them happens to you. As a result, you have an innate desire for good things to happen for them, just as much as you'd want good things to happen to yourself.
That begs one question to be asked: what is good?
That question must be asked because if the natural expression of love is to encourage good things for those that we love, then we need to figure out what's good and what's bad. If I draw someone that I love into a life of crime with me, am I loving them or despising them? My intention might be good, believing that we will have great wealth as a result of our life of crime, able to enjoy life to the fullest, but the intrinsic character of a life of crime is that it is bad.
Inviting one that we love into a life of crime is an extreme example, used to illustrate a point. Most everyone will agree that a life of crime is not a good thing. That's because few people's instincts and environment draw them towards it. But what about some more modest examples? Beating children that we love because we believe that they need discipline. Drinking heavily with those that we love because we believe it enriches the experiences of our lives. Dressing in an overtly sexy way and then dancing suggestively in public because we believe that our date enjoys it. Those acts are called "discipline", "partying" and "clubbing". We grant them innocent appellations so that we can avoid making any moral or ethical judgements about them.
Yet ethical and moral judgements are exactly what is needed if we're going to express love to others. We need to know that drinking heavily is a bad thing. That very knowledge will help us to resist the instinctive temptation to drink heavily - and to help others to resist their temptation. Nobody is perfect and able to resist every temptation to do something foolish or harmful to themselves or others. That doesn't mean that we can't learn what is foolish or harmful. The very fact that we know is what permits us to choose to love or to turn our back on someone.
I'm a lazy, greedy man. I'm lazy because I want to follow the most efficient path to the greatest happiness in life. I'm greedy because I want that greatest happiness. Because I'm reasonably bright, I know that learning what will bring true, lasting happiness is critical to my avoiding false paths that will waste my time and won't bring me true happiness.
Alas, today, we have many philosophies of life. We are immersed in them without even being aware of it. There is the Political philosophy, the Capitalist philosophy, the philosophy of the Better Home, the philosophy of Being Right, the philosophy of the Better Party and so on. These are relatively new philosophies of life that invite us to focus our attention on certain specific aspects of life. The Capitalist philosophy tells us that what we own is the best path to true happiness. The Political philosophy tells us that our political beliefs are the key to happiness.
You can tell what a person's philosophy of life is by discussing various topics with them. The ones that they become most emotional about are the ones that are linked most closely to their philosophy of life. That's because when a person's philosophy of life is asaulted, things get serious. If I sincerely believed that the planet was flat, that belief would be ingrained in everything I believe. It's an axiom of my world view. To show me a picture of a spherical planet would shake that, and I would reel from the impact. Likely I would reject it out of hand. So it is with any philosophy. We don't abandon them casually, even when they're wrong.
With so many philosophies of life telling us what is good and what is not, how are we to know what is really good and bad? By studying. A significant element of your life should be to study right and wrong. It's a bit like studying how to drive a car when you know that you're going to be driving one soon. Here we are, driving our lives, yet we don't really study life. We just live our lives. Using the driving analogy, we're casually turning the wheel and pushing various buttons, only to find that we keep smashing into obstacles, or overshooting our destinations, or arriving late, or breaking down. All because we haven't studied. Learn how life operates and you will know what is good and what is bad. Only then will you be able to love.
That begs one question to be asked: what is good?
That question must be asked because if the natural expression of love is to encourage good things for those that we love, then we need to figure out what's good and what's bad. If I draw someone that I love into a life of crime with me, am I loving them or despising them? My intention might be good, believing that we will have great wealth as a result of our life of crime, able to enjoy life to the fullest, but the intrinsic character of a life of crime is that it is bad.
Inviting one that we love into a life of crime is an extreme example, used to illustrate a point. Most everyone will agree that a life of crime is not a good thing. That's because few people's instincts and environment draw them towards it. But what about some more modest examples? Beating children that we love because we believe that they need discipline. Drinking heavily with those that we love because we believe it enriches the experiences of our lives. Dressing in an overtly sexy way and then dancing suggestively in public because we believe that our date enjoys it. Those acts are called "discipline", "partying" and "clubbing". We grant them innocent appellations so that we can avoid making any moral or ethical judgements about them.
Yet ethical and moral judgements are exactly what is needed if we're going to express love to others. We need to know that drinking heavily is a bad thing. That very knowledge will help us to resist the instinctive temptation to drink heavily - and to help others to resist their temptation. Nobody is perfect and able to resist every temptation to do something foolish or harmful to themselves or others. That doesn't mean that we can't learn what is foolish or harmful. The very fact that we know is what permits us to choose to love or to turn our back on someone.
I'm a lazy, greedy man. I'm lazy because I want to follow the most efficient path to the greatest happiness in life. I'm greedy because I want that greatest happiness. Because I'm reasonably bright, I know that learning what will bring true, lasting happiness is critical to my avoiding false paths that will waste my time and won't bring me true happiness.
Alas, today, we have many philosophies of life. We are immersed in them without even being aware of it. There is the Political philosophy, the Capitalist philosophy, the philosophy of the Better Home, the philosophy of Being Right, the philosophy of the Better Party and so on. These are relatively new philosophies of life that invite us to focus our attention on certain specific aspects of life. The Capitalist philosophy tells us that what we own is the best path to true happiness. The Political philosophy tells us that our political beliefs are the key to happiness.
You can tell what a person's philosophy of life is by discussing various topics with them. The ones that they become most emotional about are the ones that are linked most closely to their philosophy of life. That's because when a person's philosophy of life is asaulted, things get serious. If I sincerely believed that the planet was flat, that belief would be ingrained in everything I believe. It's an axiom of my world view. To show me a picture of a spherical planet would shake that, and I would reel from the impact. Likely I would reject it out of hand. So it is with any philosophy. We don't abandon them casually, even when they're wrong.
With so many philosophies of life telling us what is good and what is not, how are we to know what is really good and bad? By studying. A significant element of your life should be to study right and wrong. It's a bit like studying how to drive a car when you know that you're going to be driving one soon. Here we are, driving our lives, yet we don't really study life. We just live our lives. Using the driving analogy, we're casually turning the wheel and pushing various buttons, only to find that we keep smashing into obstacles, or overshooting our destinations, or arriving late, or breaking down. All because we haven't studied. Learn how life operates and you will know what is good and what is bad. Only then will you be able to love.
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