The Four Minute Date

A classic way to find out how you get along with someone is to take a trip together. In fact, trying to accomplish any task with another person is a great way to learn about how the two of you interact. Experiencing something at the same time as another person is dramatically less valuable when trying to understand your relationship. That's because your ability to learn about them is predicated on observing them as they interact with other people or other things, when you're really trying to figure out if they interact well with YOU.

I'm an avid country dancer. I've been two-stepping at least once a week for the past decade. I've danced with hundreds of different women, and each one dances differently. Being the observant sort that I am, I've found that I can learn volumes about a woman by dancing with her. One dance, and I feel like I've been on a date with her. One that lasts for the duration of one song. It's a bit like a four minute date.

I approach her and ask her for a dance. I walk her to the dance floor. I take her in my arms and start us off on the dance. I may dance quickly or slowly, depending on the beat of the misic, but I'm leading us around the dance floor. I'm making discussion and trying to entertain my dance partner as we move. I protect my dance partner from possible collisions or the occasional hazard that might appear on the dance floor. When the song ends, I walk my partner back to where I found her and thank her for the dance.

That's the four minute date. It has the exact same pattern as a classic date. The man picks the woman up at her home. He travels with her to the place that they're going to spend their time together. He leads her through the entertainment, and ensures that she is able to enjoy it safely. When the date is finished, he drives her back to her home and thanks her for joining him.

I learn plenty about a woman during the course of that one dance. Does she ever look at me? Is she moving the same way that I do? I'm known for being a smooth dancer, and that lets me sense every little movement in my partner. I've danced with very few women who move smoothly who don't have a similarly mellow disposition. In the same way, I've met few women who move abruptly who don't have a similarly abrupt disposition. The way that a woman moves when she dances is an indication of how she likes to interact in a relationship.

Think I'm overdoing it a bit here? I've tested this out a few times with women that I dance with regularly. I've described to them how they are in a relationship, and I've been on target each time. If you look, listen and feel, you'll be able to learn volumes about your dance partner.

Consider some other types of dancing. Freestyle, for example. At best, it's two people dancing near each other. As a result, they're not working together in any significant way. It's two people who are unsure how to relate to each other. If they ARE in contact with each other, it's in an immodest way, to the point of scandal. You can well imagine what kind of a date that corresponds to.

I've probably learned most from two-stepping because it very strongly requires the couple to work together. If we don't, then we bump into each other, fail to complete turns, twist in uncomfortable ways, etc. The first time I ever took a dance lesson, the instructor said to the men, "Your partner is a paint brush, the dance floor is a canvas, now paint a beautiful picture." It is yet another distillation of the idea that the two people are working towards more than just grabbing someone of the opposite sex, or of being seen with someone of the opposite sex. The two of you are working to paint that beautiful picture.

That's the goal of your dance. That's what you're working together to do. That's how you find out so much about your dance partner. Are you painting a beautiful picture or some kind of pop art that is little more than splashes of color? Or is it even just some simple straight lines that aren't much to look at? Is the painting that you're after the same one that your dance partner is after? Is your dance partner even on the same canvas that you are?

If you have the opportunity, go dancing with your boyfriend or your girlfriend. I know that most men dread dancing. Most men also dread opening up in relationships as well. Give it a shot. Something simple. No, not slow dancing. If you like action, try taking a swing dancing lesson. It's a very simple dance that anyone can learn. If you're more formally minded, try waltz. It's a beautiful dance, also quite simple to learn.

Regardless of the dance you choose, pay attention to how the two of you interact during the dance. Does she try to lead? Is that what you want? Does he lead hesitatingly? Is that what you want? Is he willing to make mistakes? Is she willing to ignore his mistakes? Does a normally aggressive women become rather submissive when you show that you can dance well? All of these things correspond to relationships because dancing is relating. Ultimately, the longest dance is marriage - the lifelong dance. I hope that the two of you stay in step the whole way through.